


i would find you again and again

by colllapsingstar



Series: the wisest of all men fear love [3]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Multi, Telepathy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-16
Updated: 2018-11-16
Packaged: 2019-08-24 16:02:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16643375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colllapsingstar/pseuds/colllapsingstar
Summary: Soulmate AU where you can read the mind of your soulmate.They’ve lost each other. But one person finding their soulmate might just reunite them, too.





	i would find you again and again

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: Mature for a combination of language and a non-explicit sex scene.  
> Word Count: 6.3k  
> pre-notes:  
> Written for NaNoWriMo 2018.  
> Obligatory RPF disclaimer that if your name or someone you know personally is one of the character tags, you probably shouldn’t be reading this. And please don’t report me for writing this stuff.  
> Unbetad, but I have a few different drafts of the few parts, because I started this on August 30th.  
> Hope you enjoy!

i. no one can save me

Sarah meets her soulmate in a coffee shop.

It's a cliche, but that's what happens. He's handing her the drink she ordered with a have a nice day, and she smiles and wishes the same to him.

Their fingers, though, brushed as he handed her the cup. They don't realize that they've found their soulmates immediately, though.

He reaches out to her first. She never tried to contact her soulmate. She used to, but then she met Brendon and fell in love. They had always known they weren't soulmates, but they weren't looking for their soulmates either.

( _ Sarah never knew that Brendon felt a sense that the world was set wrong at the wedding, but if she had known, she would have told him that she felt it too. _ __  
__  
_ Except the moment was different when she did. _ __  
__  
_ She felt it when Brendon serenaded her with the song he wrote for her. _ __  
__  
_ It was written for her, but it felt wrong that he was singing it for her. She didn’t know why - she knew that she hadn’t met her soulmate and that it would be absolutely insane to reject Brendon - but there was just this sense that he was using her to cheat on a relationship he didn’t have. As though he was cheating, but didn’t know he was cheating. _ __  
__  
_ Sarah just brushed that feeling off as maybe he had a past relationship that had broken up. _ __  
__  
_ Then the conversation. It came a few days before he proposed to her, but she didn’t know that. _ __  
__  
_ “I know you told me that you never met your soulmate and didn’t see the point in waiting for them, but I want to tell you about what happened with mine, because I don’t see the point in hiding the truth.” _ __  
__  
_ “Okay.” _ __  
__  
_ “So. I have two soulmates, and both of them are guys. In case you’re wondering, I am not using you as a beard for me to not appear gay. I’m not labeling my sexuality right now - but I might come out one day.” _ __  
__  
_ “Go on.” _ __  
__  
_ “The three of us broke up. More accurately, one left and the two of us couldn’t…function in a proper relationship without him.” _ __  
_ “Oh. Wow, that’s got to suck.” _ __  
__  
_ “I know. I always thought that it would be the three of us against the world, but now I know better. I love you, Sarah, and I’m not going back to them as long as we’re together. I’d never cheat on you.”  _ __  
__  
_ At least, not knowingly cheating on her. _ __  
__  
__ Eventually, she learned to brush off the feeling entirely, and it was slightly better. )   
  
Sarah, in meeting Quinn, thought that everything was a little more…right. 

She knew that Brendon, after breaking up with his soulmates thought the bond near and dear and that everyone should be with their soulmates. 

So, he reached out to her that night.

_ Hey there. Is someone out there? _

She was struck by the thought that people still reach out for their soulmates on a daily basis.

She had tried as a child and a teenager, but she realized that most people didn't meet theirs until adulthood.

_ I...wasn't supposed to meet my soulmate _ , she mentally responds in the 'conversation space.'

Technically, soulmates can poke deeper into each other's mind, but they mostly stay with just the thoughts intended for them just for privacy.

_ Who are you? _

_ My name is Sarah. _

_ Oh. You're the one from the cafe, aren't you? I'm Quinn. _

_ I can't do this. I'm married. _

_ You aren't married to your soulmate? _

_ I'm not.  _ She pauses, then adds,  _ He broke up with his back in 2009. I don't know the full story or who it is, but I never pried. He said he loved me, and I loved him back. _

_ Oh. I see how it is. _

_ Yeah. It's not the greatest situation ever. _

_ You're going to be transparent with him, right? _

_ Of course. _

Brendon and Sarah talk over the phone. She sometimes comes to see him while he's on tour, but stays at the house most of the time. Sarah misses him over the distance.

He talks about the latest shenanigans of the band and how the tour is going.

He misses her, and that makes her feel more guilty.

She tells him that she met her soulmate.

She can almost tell how his posture would have changed at that point, the shift from joking to serious.

He asks about him, of course, the guy that will change her life.

He says that he doesn't deserve her, that she shouldn't miss out on the opportunity to be with her soulmate if it's given to her so freely.

“So you want a divorce?”

“Yeah,” he answers, his voice tinny over the phone. She wants to hear his real voice. The unprocessed beauty.

“I still love you,” she says. “I'll stay with you. I barely know this guy. I'd rather be with you.”

“No, Sarah,” he replies. “You need to be with your soulmate. I've practically lost mine. You can't lose yours.” The _ not like I did goes _ unsaid, but Sarah can practically hear it anyways.

Brendon's sacrificing her for the sake of her happiness.

A better person wouldn't take it, but she isn't that person.

 

ii. settle for a ghost i never knew

 

( _ The moment he marries Sarah he'll forever remember. _

_ As the moment where everything in life is made off-center. _

_ In the moments where Sarah was walking down the aisle, he felt a wave of nausea sweep over him. Some soft music was playing in the background, and Spencer smiled at him. He doubted that anyone knew what was really going on in his head. It wasn't just wedding jitters as everyone would have probably said if they knew. _

_ It was a sense that everything was wrong. _

_ He had been feeling that since 2009, but it had faded. _

_ Now it was turned up to 11. _

_ This wasn't how it's supposed to be. _

_ A lot of people told him it didn't matter that he wasn't with his soulmate. They loved each other. Just because you're soulmates with someone doesn't mean that it'll always work out. Brendon thinks he knows this best of all. _

_ He smiles, but it’s fake - lips pressed together to prevent the bile developing in his throat from spilling all over. He loves Sarah - he knows this. Always has. He was willing to marry her. _

_ In marrying her, he was giving up any hope of ever getting back together with Ryan and Spencer. _

_ It had to be both. It couldn't be just one or the other. Both or nothing. _

_ And he had made his choice. _

_ Better people than him had been unable to resist the siren song of the bond. He had heard stories of cheating with soulmates, or suicides after a soulmate's death. They wanted the eternity that they were promised together. _

_ He would never cheat on Sarah. He owed her that much. _

_ She arrives, veil hiding her face. He wishes he had something to hide behind. They can probably see the fear on his face. _

_ He recites his vows, though, strong and confident. As though he really believes the words that he's saying. _

_ She recites hers as well, her voice trembling. She sounds less scared than he feels. _

_ He wonders what she's thinking about; if she feels that same off-balance that he does. _

_ They kiss, and he knows how it's supposed to feel, but he doesn't feel it that way. _

_ He can't feel anything at all. _ )

Brendon remembers that feeling well- he's never stopped feeling it. He's also just as in love with Sarah as he was before, so that might have contributed.

But for once, he actually feels like something besides the music is right with the world.

 

iii. you can't be too careful anymore

 

“So,” the interviewer asks, “how are things with Sarah?”

He's debating whether to lie or tell the truth. Just like another interview he remembers.

( _ 2008, Pretty. Odd. Brendon kept getting questions about his sex life as the frontman. _

_ “Got anyone special right now?” she asks him. “A soulmate, perhaps?” _

_ He looks over at Ryan and Spencer. Neither of them look back. So he lies. _

_ After all, it's what he does for a living. _

_ “The only one of us that's found our soulmates is Jon. I'm not exactly looking for mine right now, but if I find them I would never go outside outside the relationship.” _

_ It's a lie for many reasons, but he sure as hell can't tell the truth. _ )

“She recently met her soulmate. The two of us are trying to arrange a divorce, but it's not due to any fighting. She deserves the best person for her, and if that isn't me, then so be it.”

“What about your soulmate situation?”

“It's complicated, but only because we broke up. He agreed that we were better off separated, even though it wasn't intended to be a breakup. That was almost a decade ago, though, so I doubt we'll be getting back together.”

 

iv. said i'd catch you if you fall

 

_ Are you…doing okay?  _ A mental voice pushes into his head, and at first he’s shaken. Then he realizes it's Spencer. New and familiar.

( _ The day they discover that they're soulmates is the same day that Brendon is accepted into the band. Specifically, the night after. Ryan and Spencer are talking as he soon finds out is normal for them through the bond. Because there hadn't been anyone to keep out (and they'd have no reason to think there was), Brendon was privy to those conversations. _

_ They were talking about how hot he was. Which. Awkward, but he's more focused on the fact that he can hear them talking. In his head. Unless he's gone insane, it's some sort of telepathy. _

_ Despite his lack of sex ed, he knows it's normal. Students talked about how they could talk to someone when they weren't in the same room, and it was typically the person they were dating. _

_ Soulmates. _

_ He was raised to believe that God created the bonds based off of what was best for everyone in the relationship. One day, he had thought he would meet the person that would be his forever. _

_ He wasn't expecting multiple soulmates. He had thought about having a male soulmate, despite the fact that it was forbidden. _

_ The Church condemned marrying outside the bond. He doubts they would approve of him marrying the people he was bonded with. _

_ Hey, he tries casually. _

_ Oh my God, someone responds. Spencer. _

_ Wait - have you been listening the whole time? Ryan asks, and he physically laughs. _

_ He's just worried that you caught us talking about you. _

_ I might have. I certainly hope you hired me for more than just my looks, or we might have a problem. _

_ Brendon had developed a crush on a boy once. _

_ And then was so scarily paralyzed by the thought of being gay that he bounced harshly to the other side. _

_ But he had multiple soulmates, and same-sex. That was…unheard of. It wasn't good for preserving himself in the closet, but he didn't care.  _

_ He fell asleep dreaming about the three of them, all together. _ )

This feels similar to that first time all over again. Something has broken - the silence that lasted almost a decade. It has the same illicit feeling to it, even if he has come out already.

_ Surprisingly okay. _

_ Did something happen?  _ And just like that first time - Ryan's first words are a question.

_ I'm divorcing Sarah. _

_ I’m sorry.  _ It's such a Ryan response. But it shows that he's changed - he wouldn't have made any wasted apologies. Not to Brendon.

_ Was it because she found out about us?  _ Spencer asks.

_ No. I told her after we made the decision to divorce due to her finding her soulmate.  _

_ I see,  _ Spencer remarks.

_ I missed you.  _ He's the one who says it.

 

v. dream of something bigger

 

That night, Brendon dreams.

( _ Ryan's hands skimming all over his body- _ )

This is not that dream.

He’s alone in a forest. He can't see the sun through the overlapping pine limbs.

_ (Spencer's lips pressed upon his-) _

The ground is coated with pine needles. They muffle his footsteps as he walks. 

_ (“Bren, you're so beautiful like this.” Forbidden whispers and the terrifying edge of forever-) _

He decides to explore a bit.

Something thrums in his veins. A purpose that guides him onwards.

_ (His hips buck in the search for more physical contact-) _

That thing leads him forwards. There is no definite path between the trunks of the trees, but he knows which gaps to travel through and which to avoid.

_ (White-hot pleasure sears into his blood-) _

He stops in a clearing, staring at the two other people that are as out of place as he is. A deer in the headlights. Their gazes move to meet his own. He can't move - but what would he do with that ability? Join them, or flee?

_ (The aching sense of gone-too-soon-) _

And then it's over.

He wakes up with his heart racing. It's still dark outside the bunk.

Could it be that he was dream-sharing? Amongst soulmates that were very close, it happened, and even then it was infrequent.

_ Were you guys in the forest too?  _ he asks them.

He receives no answer.

Are they too scared to respond, or was it just a normal dream?

He can never be sure.

He probably never will be.

 

vi. you don’t need to run

 

_ I want to meet you with you again.  _ Spencer is the one who breaks the silence. It’s certainly not what Brendon was expecting. He didn’t think anyone would have.

_ I go on a break after November 2nd. Then a couple shows in December, then I’m free for the rest of the year. _

_ Would you want us to come to you?  _ Ryan asks.

It’s so easy to fall back into this.

_ Did you listen to the music?  _ Brendon asks. He knows that Spencer was dedicated to the band post-split and what they did once they parted ways, but he doesn’t know if Ryan had that same dedication. He doubts it.

_ I did. All of it.  _ It’s the answer he’s anticipating.  _ Not just yours, Brendon. Ryan and Jon’s solo stuff as well as Dallon’s new band. _

_ Not after Vices.  _ He wasn’t expecting Ryan to have that same amount of devotion as Spencer.  _ I couldn’t bear the knowledge that the band was thriving more without me than it ever did with me in it.  _ He isn’t really wrong.

_ I listened to Dallon’s new band, but that was all. I didn’t listen to anything besides Take a Vacation. I was afraid of the truth - that none of us could go back to the way we used to be. _

( _ One day, after band practice. They were just hanging out, the three of them sitting and watching together. There was enough room to spread out, but they clung together anyways. _

_ Back then they didn’t focus on the subtleties of an actual relationship. They just wanted each other, wanted to have the things that they had been previously denied. _

_ But there was a reason they were denied these things. They burned up together, doomed for something bad to happen. _

_ That something came a few years later, but none of them had any idea. _

_ Still they burned together anyways, oblivious to the consequences. _

_ They would either make it or crash and burn. _

_ They crashed instead, too sure that they were going to make it out that they didn’t realize that they were about to crash. _

_ So they did. _ )

 

vii. but the melody went stale

 

He asked to stop filming tour.

He could do more, but he doesn’t want to. Besides, he’s taken another filming project that should make up for it.

Dan corners him one day at a venue. The drummer looks around quickly (and warily, but what’s there to fear?) and whispers, “Kenny’s being a creep.”

“What?” This is serious.

“I caught him giving his Snapchat out to a group of teenagers earlier.”

“Fuck. That’s not good.” Kenny’s been with them since  _ Too Rare to Live.  _ Dan hasn’t been around as long, but he still trusts all his bandmates. He has to. “I want to talk to him myself. Whether he confesses or not, his responses will still be revealing enough.”

“Should I tell Nicole?”

“Yes. I’m going to be getting rid of him no matter if the allegations are true or false. Someone with those kind of accusations floating around is not someone that I want touring with me.”

“Okay.”

He takes a steadying deep breath and goes.

***

“Hey.” He puts on the trademark smile, the one that charms everyone.

“Something wrong?” Kenny asks him, casual to the end.

“Heard some rumors. Just wondering if it was true.” Obviously, Kenny shouldn’t know what those rumors are, so it’s especially revealing when his face briefly contorts into panic and then schooled back into normal.

“What sort of rumors?”

He hums a little note briefly. “You know, Snapchat isn’t the classiest way to pick people up.”

“You’re looking down from the high lofts of marriage. I don’t think you get to talk.”

“Oh, there’s more. Why are you giving it to kids?” They’re not really kids, but they’re still underage. And it’s still illegal.

“Fuck you.”

It’s enough of an answer for Brendon to know for sure. “You’re on stage for tonight. But we need to talk more later.”

Kenny just blinks at him as Brendon turns to walk away.

( _ Another guitarist, another tour, another argument. _

_ This one isn’t through the spoken word, though. It’s the fact that it’s mental that makes it so severe. _

_ They’ve fought before. Three people that are in such close quarters - mentally and physically - are bound to fight. In pairs or all three, they’ve fought. _

_ It’s never for too long. They can’t avoid each other forever. _

_ Which is their default when it comes to that. _

_ But this is the worst fight of them all. Arguments meant avoiding each other and refusing to talk until the third (or someone else outside of it) forced their hand. _

_ The fights this time are vicious. They tear each other apart, sometimes without even looking at each other or being in the same place. _

_ The worst part is that it was only in their heads. Everyone saw the tension between them, but only Spencer witnessed the true magnitude of the arguments. They both tried to keep themselves together for the sake of the band, but it was hard when it was about the band. It was all mental, and it didn’t even affect their relationship at all. They still were just as cuddly with each other, but they were guilty about it. Not quite angry, but it was as though they couldn’t control themselves. They wanted to hate each other, but just couldn’t. _

_ That was what tore them apart. _

_ Because they just kept tearing at each other in half-hearted attempts at hate until all three of them were ripped to shreds. _ )

The show goes alright.

It’s not a great show - not as musically in sync as they usually are. They aren’t working as well tonight, and that’s fine.

Dan and Nicole are both with him when he fires Kenny.

Neither of them say anything, though, just nod in certain places as Brendon brings down the final hammer in the form of words.

The three of them look at each other after he leaves.

“I know a few people,” Dan says.

“Me too,” Nicole adds.

They’ll move on and find someone else.

Just like they always do.

 

viii. everybody wants somebody that doesn't want them

 

The first episode of Neighborhood of Good is released.

He's glad that he took the offer, if he's being truly honest.

He knows that not everyone suffered like he did, but he had been alone for a long time. 

Ryan and Spencer saved him.

Saved him from a life he never wanted to live, a life of lies and pretending that he wanted the same things his parents did.

He knows in the end it's just a giant ad for State Farm, but he can't be bothered to care.

He's helping the lonely kids, the kids that might find something in his music. He can't help but want  _ that.  _

After all, he might have become a music teacher if not for the band. 

The band sped up the inevitable. Without them, he would have never emerged from his shell. He would have always been the shy one that found solace in playing music.

( _ He's standing awkwardly in their practice space. Practice is over, and outside of the music Brendon still feels awkward. He might be soulmates with Ryan and Spencer, but hanging out outside the band is still foreign, even after almost a year of being in the band together.  _

_ He doesn't want to go home. _

_ He doesn't want to hear about how he's being a recluse, not telling Them about everything he does. _

_ It's been tense at his house. His parents think he's at a club, which is good. He has the band three days a week, one day he gets to come home early (but he doesn't), and one day is jazz band, where he gets to beat the shit out of drums. Then the weekends. Saturdays he spends with the band, and Sundays are church. _

_ “Hey,” Spencer offers, “you wanna come with us?” _

_ “No, I'm good. I'll see you next practice.” He does a little two finger salute at the two of them. _

_ He comes home to his parents standing in his room. _

_ He stops himself from swearing. _

_ “Brendon, what's this?” His father is holding up an application for UNLV. It's only partially filled out, and he winces. It's one of his safety schools - he's also applied for a few other colleges and he practically has a spot guaranteed in BYU (that he doesn't want). _

_ Now there's another alternative - the band. _

_ “The school wants us to apply to multiple colleges. I can't just apply to BYU, even though I know I'd get in no matter what. Besides, I don't want to go there.” Mostly truth. _

_ “Brendon,” his father admonishes him. He sounds absolutely pissed, but Brendon will stand his ground. _

_ “No. I can't be the person you want me to be. I know what you want me to do - live the happy, domestic, American ideal with my soulmate. News flash: it's illegal for me to marry my soulmates.” It's frosty, but Brendon cannot do this gently. His parents won't get the message if he's gentle. _

_ “What?” His mother sounds confused and maybe a little heartbroken. “Are - you still going on the mission?” _

_ “I…can't preach for a faith I don't possess myself.” _

_ “Is this the band, Brendon?” _

_ He doesn't know how to answer that. He doesn't want to lie to his parents - they deserve that courtesy at least - but he doesn't want the band to end. _

_ “No. I've been having doubts for a while. I just haven't had the courage to act on them.” _

_ “And the soulmate thing?” She sounds angrier now. _

_ “I met mine. He…” Just the fact that his soulmate is male is enough to condemn him. He doesn't need to out himself with having two. _

_ “Brendon-” _

_ “I don't want to hear about how God can save me but only if I let Him. If He doesn't like me the way I am, then why did He make me this way? You don't have to deal with my ‘secular ways’ anymore. I don't want to be restricted because of who I am or be forced into a relationship that I don't want.” It was a petulant you-can't-fire-me-if-I-quit, but Brendon didn't care. _

_ “Go, then.” His father has no qualms in saying this. “Don’t come back until you can apologize.” _

_ His mother says nothing. She never had the nerve to stand up to him outside of her head. _

_ So he starts packing. _ )

The kids are a reflection of him.

It's come full circle. 

(It's also keeping him busy so he doesn't have to think about how he's still a little in love with Sarah.)

 

ix. i want to feel that sea breeze

 

Australia is amazing. His last show is tonight, then he goes back to the States.

( _ An entirely different continent, but foreign all the same. _

_ Africa. _

_ They're all so excited to be here - somewhere previously untouched by them - until now. _

_ It's utterly beautiful. _

_ They're trying to appreciate it, but the third album makes it harder. _

_ Ryan accuses Spencer of taking Brendon's side and neither of them know how to respond. _

_ The tension is high. _

_ But they only have to play one show. Then they can be done and go back home and keep doing something none of them want. _

_ The crowd is great. _

_ It isn't their fault that the band is falling apart. _

_ The final nail in the coffin comes when Ryan tells them that he's leaving. _

_ So that Brendon and Spencer could be happy together and kick him out. _

_ Jon goes to talk to him. _

_ Instead, Jon leaves with him. _

_ His parting words tell them that he wants to see the music he and Ryan wrote recorded. _

_ Jon's choice has absolutely nothing to do with the reasons Ryan left. _

_ Foreign countries have bad associations from there on out. _

_ Especially Africa. _ )

Europe is never bad, Asia is just okay, but Australia is new.

He’ll be back in the States soon for some music award or another. Of course, there’ll be a brief performance. That’s how these things work.

He’s decided to put on a show for the audience. A special performance to show off his heart. It’s not for the audience. It’s to ease his own heartbreak.

He misses Sarah.

But he’s going back to Ryan and Spencer.

The four of them soundcheck well, and then they go on stage.

The audience is great, but he has a surprise to them.

A tech hands him his acoustic guitar.

“So, this song isn’t on our setlist, but you probably know it. Doing this one acoustic. You might know what it’s called.” He’s tuning the guitar slowly, putting on a show. “It’s from our third record.” The crowd goes wild. “Wow, next tour I’ll be sure to put more songs from it on the setlist, huh? Anyways, this one’s called ‘Always.’”

He starts in on the guitar intro, not fumbling it (despite his lack of practice) and begins to sing.

None of the band members join in, thank goodness - that would ruin it.

“This is for someone I love. Thank you. Have a great night!”

And from there they go out.

 

x. you’re no good for me

 

Tour is (temporarily) over. There are still music videos to shoot and awards to go to and other business to tend to, but for now he has time to rest a little bit.

Sarah is picking him up at the airport; they still have business to settle at home with the divorce and everything.

He hugs her, mostly a gesture between friends.

(He might still be a little bit in love with her, but he’s given that up for her sake. If this were a romance novel it would end with Sarah rejecting the sacrifice.

But it’s not, and he has to live with the consequences of his actions.)

“How’s it going?” she asks him.

“I missed you.” It’s…true, at least. It’d be so easy to fall back into their old patterns again. It’s not like he’d be completely unwilling to try a polyamorous relationship (after all, he’s done it before - even if they did end up breaking up), but Sarah’s monogamous. She can only devote herself to one person at a time.

He’s going to see Ryan and Spencer again. He can’t mope over her forever.

_ Still on board?  _ Just in case they didn’t want this. He always had to ask.

_ Yes.  _ Ryan’s answer is so definite that it doesn’t sound like him at all, but people change.

_ Of course.  _ Spencer’s answer has hesitation to it - he probably had to think it over.

Brendon and Spencer had hung out after Spencer left the band, but not so much anymore.

He couldn’t really keep a friendship together that wasn’t involved with the band. He wasn’t great at staying friends with people.

Would he accept the people he used to know back into the band?

Perhaps, but he doesn’t want to give up any of the friends he currently has.

( _ There was an era, a decade ago, when things were simpler. _

_ The three of them could just be - no girlfriends to mess up their trajectory towards each other. Not that Keltie or Haley were bad people, but they were never really together. They tried to be together, but all of them fell in love too easily. _

_ Brendon thought himself the most unlucky, because it was never requited. _

_ Sometimes Brendon thinks he understands why Brent left - he felt left out, not just because he missed home. _ _  
_ _ Brendon had never missed home, though. _

_ The relationship could reach outside of the three of them. Their band is kind of something that’s very, very cuddly and that PDA satisfied the bond. But they never actually really had a relationship - just close friendship that ran between the borders of platonic and romantic. _

_ Jon, however, wouldn’t feel left out, because he has his own soulmate. _

_ Some people remain celibate for their soulmates. Others don’t. _

_ Ryan, Brendon, and Spencer never had. Especially Ryan. _

_ Ryan and Spencer had each other long before Brendon had them. They didn’t even know what the mindlink meant back then, but they were really close friends long before Brendon was in that formation. _

_ None of them had any qualms about ‘cheating.’ _

_ Ryan was the most likely to date other people. Girls. He was the straightest out of all three of them. Spencer was more likely to sleep with guys than girls, but more likely to strike up a permanent relationship with a girl. Brendon is just indiscriminate. He’s not a slut - he just doesn’t care who provides him with what he wants in terms of gender. _

_ There would always be people that wanted to pry them apart, but they’d always find their way back to each other. _

_ And they would want back sometimes, and sometimes they wouldn’t. _

_ There was a time when things were simpler, and three became four. _

_ But that was only once. _

_ Nothing but a fond memory. _

_ Just because the three of them had an open relationship doesn’t mean that Jon did. _

_ Nobody really wanted him to cheat. _

_ So they never did it again. _

_ But it was a bonding experience for the four of them, and their camaraderie increased afterwards. _ )

It’s a good memory for Brendon now, but it was easier with three.

He had been comforted by the fact that they would always be together, but they weren’t.

There was a chance that they could get back together, though.

“So, who’s the lucky guy?” he asks Sarah, teasing.

“His name is Quinn. I’ve been talking to him and getting to know him. He’s really kind to everyone.”

“He sounds good for you.”

“Let’s…settle the terms of divorce?”

“Sure. Are you going to be moving in with him?”

“Eventually?”

“So…housemates? I don’t want to lose the studio.”

“That’s fine.”

“I want ownership of Bogart. You’re not getting my dog.”

“I wasn’t planning on taking your dog. However, I want visitation rights.”

They both laugh, and he’s reminded of why he fell for her in the first place.

“So what are your plans for after?”

“I might get back together with my soulmates.”

“You…never told me about them.”

“I didn’t want to talk back then when you would’ve asked. You stopped asking, so I never answered.”

“So…?”

“Ryan. And Spencer.”

“I thought there was something going on between you and Spencer, but then you asked me out. And I doubt you would’ve cheated on me, or on him.”

“I’m polyam, but I would have been transparent about it. There was a relationship at one point, but not at that point. We couldn’t do it without Ryan.”

( _ They tried to stop Ryan. But Ryan refused to listen to them, citing the fact that they were doing it out of pity. _

_ They told Ryan that he could read their minds, see their true intentions. But he refused to invade their privacy, scared that their feelings for each other outweighed their feelings for him. _

_ “Ryan-” _

_ “No.” _ )

“Brendon?” Sarah asks. “You spaced out for a second.”

“He left because he thought that Spencer and I would be better as a duo than all three of us.”

“Oh. Wow. That sucks.”

“But. We’re going to try again.”

“Why would you try again with them?”

“It wasn’t an  _ abusive  _ relationship. It was as healthy as any relationship with us three trainwrecks could be. So, I don’t see why we shouldn’t try again. Poly relationships are hard to keep intact, but we’ve already failed. What more could there be to risk?”

“You don’t have anyone to fall back on.”

“I don’t care about that, Sarah. I want to take that chance with them. I can’t not do it.”

“You’re really passionate about this.”

“Y...es.”

She hugs him. “Good luck.”

 

xi. i need to know that when i fail you’ll still be here

 

Ryan is in L.A. So is Spencer, but Spencer’s been there for a while. So the three of them are meeting at a restaurant. It’s pretty much a date, but they’re not exactly dating.

They eat together - it’s a little awkward, definitely.

“Come back with me,” Ryan offers them both.

He freezes, not knowing what to do.

“Come back with me,” he repeats. “I don’t care if we do…that or not. But I want to hang out.”

“I miss cuddling,” Brendon says. “My bandmates don’t want to cuddle with me. I was married.”

“Brendon. When did that ever stop you?”

“I don’t know, but I hated having them push me away. So I stopped.”

Ryan glares at him and Spencer, and the awkwardness is broken.

A couple comes in and hears them, looking over. One of them has a flash of recognition and whispers to their partner. The partner looks confused, though, so they’ll remain a semblance of anonymity.

“Come back with me,” Ryan urges again.

“Of course.” Spencer looks over at Brendon. “B, we can’t do it without you.”

“Yes.” His answer is soft, but defined.

( _ Their first date is the night that Pete Wentz comes to see them. _

_ They’re so hyped up on the energy. _

_ They go out to eat afterwards. _

_ Ryan is on his own, and so is Brendon at that point, but Spencer isn’t. He tells his parents that he’ll be sleeping over at Brendon’s apartment. _

_ They tell him to be careful. _

_ There are more reasons to be careful than the fact that his apartment is in an unsafe area of Vegas. _

_ The three of them were driving around the city. _

_ He loves being with them. When they get back to the apartment, the three of them just crash. _

_ Maybe that says something about their relationship. _ )

This is a moment that will stick in his memory forever.

There are a few things that will.

When Panic! got signed, the first time he heard I Write Sins played on the radio, the exact moment when Jon said he was leaving with Ryan and they officially became two pairs instead of four, when he learned that they were soulmates, the day he married Sarah (catalogued as the moment when the world became off-centered).

This one will be the moment where the universe was recentered again.

xii. epilogue

The three of them don’t get long together before Brendon has to go back out.

Someone reveals that the three of them are hanging out again.

They laugh at the title of the video, mostly because they think it’s just Ryan and Brendon when it’s all three of them.

( _ He does stuff with Ryan on stage. _

_ He clings to all of them, really, and nobody really ever thinks anything of it anymore because of Keltie. _

_ But the fans see sometimes the seriousness of it.  _

_ The fans have parts of the picture. They just don't see the whole thing. _

_ Ryan loves Keltie, but all three of them love each other too. _

_ It's not really the same. _

_ Brendon doesn't really have to be jealous, but he is satisfied when Keltie breaks up with Ryan. _

_ Both of them are there for him, of course. And Brendon buries that little tidbit of relief that resides him. _

_ He made a promise to himself that day that he would never be that person. _

_ But he did become that person. _ )

The three of them aren’t  _ together  _ all the time, but they still talk in their heads a lot. They’re taking it slow. After all, the last time they went too fast and fell apart. However, they’re not denying their relationship to each other. They’re definitely not trying to hide it, and this time they’re not leaving it open.

Spencer  _ does  _ end up divorcing Linda, obviously. He feels terrible about it, because he feels like the marriage failing was his fault. But it isn’t (entirely) his fault. It never would have gone anywhere if not for Spencer, but there’s always the drifting “it was meant to happen.”

_ Linda  _ has no hard feelings, but he wishes he could be there to support Spencer instead of just Ryan being there.

But he hears it mentally, and he tries to assuage Spencer’s doubts best as possible.

So, he comes back to Vegas for Thanksgiving (and to film another episode, but that’s less important).

It isn't perfect, but perfection is often deceitful.

***

Speaking of Linda, they go on a triple date - Sarah and Quinn, the three of them, and Linda with her new girlfriend.

It's a fun time - all of them hanging out in a way that they never really had before.

Ryan hadn't met any of them - he had heard about Sarah, of course, but he was unfamiliar.

Brendon thinks that it's nice, to just be hanging out with them.

There aren't any memories to associate with this.

So he creates a new one. 

**Author's Note:**

> Headers come from song lyrics, all of which I am too lazy to name. None of them are from Panic! songs, though. You might recognize a couple of them. I don't know.  
> So, in terms of timeline, the plot starts around the time of the release of PFTW Tour Week 3 and ends around...now.  
> This story does not amount to my word count goal of 7500. But I'm writing more in this verse, so?
> 
> I know that NaNoWriMo is still going on, but. I'm writing a prequel. It isn't a happy prequel. Just as angsty, without the same satisfaction of the happy ending offered here.
> 
> It's set pre-split, and centers around the flashback in scene 10 (which, coincidentally, was the first flashback I wrote for this - I added flashbacks to the others for consistency).
> 
> This is my first bandom fic. Panic! will probably be the only band I write for.
> 
> See you in the future.
> 
> \- D (colllapsingstar)


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